You know you've lived in the Middle East too long when...

Here is something that I first read while going on a Hash in Riyadh many full moons ago. It is quite old but it still very much applies.

I suppose some of the humor may be lost for readers who have never lived in the Mideast but then again -- maybe not. So here it is:

You know you've lived in the Middle East too long when...

1. You're not surprised to see a goat in the passenger seat...

2. You think the uncut version of "Little House on the Prairie" is provocative...

3. You expect the confirmation on your airline ticket to read "insha'allah"...

4. You don't expect to eat dinner before 10:30 p.m...

5. You need a sweater when it's 80 degrees outside...

6. Your idea of housework is leaving a list for the maid...

7. You believe that speed limits are only advisory...

8. You have no problem with tractors driving 40kph on the highway...

9. You think all cops drive Audis and Mercedes Benzes...

10. You know whether or not you are within missile range of Iraq...

11. You get excited and spread the news when "Oreo" cookies show up at the grocery store...

12. You fully expect to go to jail when a local national hits the back of your car at a stop sign...

13. You know which end of a shawarma to unwrap first...

14. You think that the further you inch into the middle of an intersection, the faster the light will turn green...

15. You consider it normal for the same section of the road to be dug up three times by contractors in the space of a few weeks...

16. You understand that the true definition of a nanosecond is the time interval between the light turning green and the guy behind you honking his horn...

17. You think that all gas stations are made of marble...

18. You can receive every TV station crystal clear except the local one...

19. You get used to using the cold water tap to get hot water during the summer...

20. You make left turns from the far right lane without a second thought...

21. You expect gold for every birthday...

22. You think Pepsi begins with a "B"...

23. You think that a box of Kleenex belongs on every dinner table...

24. You think water only comes in bottles...

25. You understand that when someone says "Bukra (tomorrow), Insha'Allah" to you it really means "Sometime during this calendar year"...if you're lucky!

Can you raed tihs? Meme's the word

This email found its way to my inbox for the 40th time (I think). So, being the lazy blogger that I am, I decided to post it here.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Here is another one that keeps the first two and last two letters of each word:

This is easy to denmtrasote. In a puiltacibon of New Scnieitst you could ramdinose all the letetrs, keipeng the first two and last two the same, and reibadailty would hadrly be aftcfeed. My ansaylis did not come to much beucase the thoery at the time was for shape and senqeuce retigcionon. Saberi's work sugsegts we may have some pofrweul palrlael prsooscers at work.

The resaon for this is suerly that idnetiyfing coentnt by paarllel prseocsing speeds up regnicoiton. We only need the first and last two letetrs to spot chganes in meniang.

The first italicized paragraph above is an example of an urban meme and the reader is forewarned that this blog would inevitably contain loads of them in the future (see 'lazy blogger' comment above).

A meme is an idea that is passed on from one human generation to another. It's the cultural equivalent of a gene, the basic element of biological inheritance. The term was coined in 1976 by Richard Dawkins in his book The Selfish Gene. Dawkins speculated that human beings have an adaptive mechanism that other species don't have. In addition to genetic inheritance with its possibilities and limitations, humans, said Dawkins, can pass their ideas from one generation to the next, allowing them to surmount challenges more flexibly and more quickly than through the longer process of genetic adaptation and selection.

Examples of memes might include the idea of God; the importance of the individual as opposed to group importance; the belief that the environment can to some extent be controlled; or that technologies can create an electronically interconnected world community.

Today, the word is sometimes applied ironically to ideas deemed to be of passing value. Dawkins himself described such short-lived ideas as memes that would have a short life in the meme pool.

Generally, memes can comprise any piece of information that can possibly transfer between two minds — idea, thought, joke, song, dance, habit, even state of mood.

Thanks to Whatis.com for some of the above information.

Ebolusyon op da Pinoy Langweyds

Una

Noong 1940's, kapag may bra ang babae, pinagbubulungan na at mababansagang malandi. Noon din ay may French perfume na ang tatak ay Eclat (silent T). Kaya ang taong maarte ay tinawag ng mga Pinoy na Eclat (T pronounced). Ngayon kapag maraming tsetseburetse at kaartehan ganon din ang tawag, "Ang dami mo namang eklat." Kinalaunan, pinaikli pa ang eklat at naging ek-ek- "Ang tagal mo namang magdesisyon kung sasama ka o hindi! Ang dami mong ek-ek!"

Pangalawa

Ang tawag sa babaeng nagbebenta ng panandaliang aliw noon ay baylerina. Kinalaunan, naging belyas, tapos naging English, hospitality girls tapos ngayon GRO na.


Pangatlo

Elementary ako nang makagisnan ko ang batiang "Give Me Five". Masyado yatang pormal ang handshake kaya "Give me Five, Man" ang pumalit. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang kapag natutunan ng kanilang anak na paslit ang mag-give me five. Tapos sa American sports, naging High Five o "Give me five, up here!" Hindi pahuhuli ang Pinoy basta
galing sa America. Ang "Give me five, up here" ay naging "Appear". Halos lahat yata ng Pinoy babies ganito ang series of training, "Anak, where is the light; where is the moon?" Ang nadagdag, "Appear! Appear!" At dahil sa E.T. ni Spielberg, "Align, Align!" Ayun, tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang.

Pang-apat

Kakambal na yata ng Pinoy ang pagkanta. Noon, kapag nagkakantahan, gamit ay gitara at song hits (Jingle). Napalitan ito nang 70's-80's ng minus one. Tapos, karaoke. Ngayon, videoke, at sa huling talaan, 8 na ang namamatay sa "My Way". Ang tawag sa grupo ng musicians noon ay Combo. Ngayon, ang tawag sa singing group ay -- Band, hindi na Combo at ang Combo ngayon ay tumutukoy sa Jollibee o McDonald's promo.

Comprehending Engineers

Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly,"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist,the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. " The last one said, "Actually it was a chemical engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Take Seven

"Normal people...believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said,"I like both." Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally,the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog...that's cool."

Why Are Men Happier?

An email that I recently received:

Why are men happier?

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier .

Sisyphean

"... Sisyphus was compelled to roll a big stone up a steep hill; but before it reached the top of the hill the stone always rolled down, and Sisyphus had to begin all over again." (Odyssey, xi. 593).

Sometimes I can't help but compare the Philippines' current predicament to that of Sisyphus (if Sisyphus were alive today, he'll be the laughingstock anywhere he goes because of his unfortunate name). However, if our friend Mr. Phus could ever get a timeout from his rock pushing chores in Hades and somehow finds a way to read this blog -- an incredible feat considering that they blinded the poor fellow -- he may feel insulted. And for good reason. He, at least, is able to get close to the summit before his stone rolls back down again.

We as a nation could not even get halfway up our hill before the stone rolls all over us and sends us back anew. And if no one is looking we might even manage to find time to dig a deep hole at the foot of the hill to jack up the degree of difficulty just a tad.

We all know why Sisyphus was punished; he had this bad habit of attacking and murdering travelers and was greedy and deceitful.

"Much like the typical trapo," you might say. OK, then why didn't they get punished individually? Last I checked those guys are still wallowing in ill-gotten wealth and getting fatter by the day.

But what did we do as a nation to deserve such punishment? There are two widely accepted schools of thought on the matter.

The first one is that we are guilty as a nation of allowing Boy Abunda to pollute our airwaves virtually 24/7. The gods may have discovered that Abunda fancies himself as their gift to the Filipino people. The gods reportedly will be appeased only if Abunda changes his name to Gay instead of Boy although tossing him onto an erupting Mayon would also be an acceptable sacrifice.

The other theory is that we are in this mess because of Mike Enriquez. Enriquez, it is said, has single-handedly sparked a movement to force TV manufacturers to invent a chip that would automatically trigger the mute command whenever Enriquez opens his mouth on TV. Curiously, Mike's wife has reportedly secretly contacted said manufacturers and ordered a custom made remote control that renders Enriquez mute when the device is pointed at himself. It is believed that the gods, who were originally planning to strike Mike with several bolts of lightning, have agreed that the custom made remote control would be sufficient penance.

Now, although I agree that those two theories have merit, I think that what really ticked those gods off is the nightly sight of Mr. Know-it-all, Ernie Baron doing the weather report on TV Patrol. (Although I submit that the rest of the TV Patrol co-anchors report what passes of as 'news' in a tone that could easily be mistaken for an elder scolding a child, I don't think it merits punishing the entire nation.)

I don't know if Ka Ernie collates all the meteorological data himself and formulates his weather forecast on his own or (the more likely scenario) that he lifts the PAG-ASA forecast verbatim. The main beef with him is his closing spiel. The guy, a self-proclaimed walking encyclopedia, could not even pronounce the word 'WORLD' properly. It always comes out as 'WOLD.' There's got to be a page somewhere in the encyclopedia where proper pronunciation is taught.

There is still hope however. The gods have decreed that Baron could be forgiven and the nation spared if he agrees to join Game Ka Na Ba? and wins the 1 million peso jackpot. This is the best chance for Ka Ernie to finally prove his mettle. With his encyclopedic aptitude, we are in safe hands.

I just hope that they don't ask him the correct pronunciation of world in the jackpot round. Or spell the word Sisyphus, for that matter.